Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
