yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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