I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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