He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
