Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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