i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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