Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
