I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
how does that bad decision feel?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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