yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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