More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
