this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
