Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
