Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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