Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She bit a glass in half.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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