I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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