Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
