honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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