Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
