last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
