dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
