$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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