How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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