I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
