Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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