Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
