Are we in a gay sports bar?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
