Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This is the high leading the old right now
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
