After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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