It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
