Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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