Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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