Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
