she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
