thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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