someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
