guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
