A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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