she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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