Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
