i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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