EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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