Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
