my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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