just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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