The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
