So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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