Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
