dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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