he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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