her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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