Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
