a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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