cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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