Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
