Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
