Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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