If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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