im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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