sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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