you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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