so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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