life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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