My liver just broke up with me...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
