2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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