i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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