It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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