Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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